I know, it's been a minute. I'm sorry!!! (To the very limited few who actually tune in for these little thought blurbs). With school starting and just some lack of inspiration, I've gone on a bit of a hiatus, so it's basically obligatory that I return with an extra vulnerable post. For those who read this, and my blog in general, it means the world to me, truly, so I owe it to you. :)
"What people assume about you is none of your business"
- Chaya Serraf
My family are some of my favorite people. Not in the "We are related so I am forced to love you" type of way, I mean in the most genuine "God only knows what I'd be without you" type of way, yet I have discovered that many of my most deep-rooted insecurities have stemmed around me comparing myself to the people I love the most.
While I am a natural homebody that longs for home whenever I am away, there are definitely certain negative mindsets that reappear once I find myself in this setting, surrounded by those I grew up with. My three siblings and I have not lived under the same roof for such a prolonged period of time for nearly a decade, until the pandemic started. While I was always aware of my insecurities rooted in comparison, they definitely became more apparent once I was living with these people once again, day and night.
One of my biggest fears is being labeled as the "dumb sibling". While my brothers and sister are gifted in math and science and left brain logic, I was not granted such traits. My skills and interests do not align with the same subjects and guide me towards writing and music, and... let's face it, the less "practical" skills. (What makes it even harder is that, they are also good at these things, yikes). There are times when I cry, thinking "How did I end up this way?" What could I have done to understand Algebra a little more in eighth grade so I didn't have to retake it my Freshman year of high school and set me behind. What could I have done to get placed into Honors Chemistry. What could I have done to make myself care about these damn subjects?! While I know this struggle may seem very trivial and blown out of proportion, I can't help but think everyone who has siblings can relate to some extent (If not, then yeah, I guess I am a little dramatic). But it can stunt your ego a little bit when your 16-year-old brother is learning at a higher math level than you will ever get to, when your older sister has always been the more slender one out of you two, and when they all sit around and talk about coding whilst you're there looking like if someone were to attach a speaker to the inside of your head, they would only hear static.
However, while being home, I began the very hard process of realizing, self-worth is not reliant on what others think of you. Something that I know many people have preached and everyone tells you to "not care what anyone else thinks," but it is the first time that I have truly tried to embody the idea. I subconsciously used to view the opinion of other's as an independent variable that my confidence had to be dependent upon, because what's the use of thinking you're good at something when everyone else thinks you suck at it? Yeah, I know, TOXIC. But it's true, that's how I naturally think. I am scared of coming across as so un-self-aware, that everyone is talking negatively behind my back about something I think I'm good at. However, I have realized overtime, that I am truly my own worst enemy. I think it's something with me preemptively believing that people will cringe at me hoping that I'll achieve a career in an industry that is so hard to break into.
One of my past music teachers, Chaya Serraf, posted a very simple yet deeply profound statement on her Instagram a couple weeks back, and it is something I think of regularly now. She wrote, "What people assume about you is none of your business," and let me tell you, life becomes so much simpler when having this mindset. Thoughts are private for a reason, so let's not waste energy being paranoid over guessing what other people think, assuming it's negative. Nobody has ever doubted me the same way that I have done to myself, and no one has ever shown embarrassment when saying "Yeah, Bec likes to write," or "Bec is a creative," so why should I? But you know what? Maybe people really don't have an opinion on it, or maybe they even think it's cool, or maybe they do think it's stupid, but does that change anything? No, so why bother caring what they think.
When it comes down to it, my siblings are beautiful people who will all be successful within their respective fields of STEM, and I'm not sure why that has caused me to believe I will be shaking a plastic cup asking for spare change on a New York sidewalk. I kind of had to start the process of rewiring my brain into thinking, yeah they're going to be okay, and I am too. To be honest, I am not sure whether this will be published. I'm scared of it being too personal, I'm scared of outing myself as the girl that just isn't as smart as the other "Couzens," and I'm just scared of being the forgotten black sheep. But it will sit in my drafts whenever and if I ever decide to publish it and expose myself as the deeply sensitive yet terribly insecure middle child that I really am, but maybe we all are in our own ways.
But hey, just another thing to grow on, right?
